WALMART EXPERIENCE #3

I'll start by saying that I've avoiding posting anything attempting to be funny here for the past week.  There have been some very hard life issues that several of my friends have had to go through recently.  Too many in the past few weeks, actually, one as recently as Christmas Eve.  Peace to those of you I'm referring to.
MY family is small, so I think of my friends as my family also.

But... I decided that I know first hand that we have to keep laughing.  So...

Last week, three days BEFORE Christmas, I went to Walmart to make a return.  I had bought SON a hoodie during WALMART EXPERIENCE #2, but paid attention to the hanger, which said "L".  The actual size was "XXL", which I didn't notice until the next day.  I should have known that, at Walmart, the hanger size and the actual size are, most likely, never the same.

MY fault.  Walmart should advertise that customers should never expect too much from them.  Because they are Walmart.  And I kept telling myself that for $20 I could just roll down my car window and give the hoodie to any one of the 1.2 million homeless people who are here on every street corner.  And I wouldn't have to endure Walmart one more time.  But I didn't do that.

I went back to return the hoodie, three days before Christmas, thinking that NOBODY would be returning things BEFORE Christmas.  I was #17 in line.
And there were only two "customer service representatives" behind the counter.

I waited patiently. Patiently.  PATIENTLY.  For 31 minutes.

Here's what the woman in front of me was returning........

FRITOS.  TWO PACKAGES.  $2. 49.  She waited in line for at least 30 minutes to return two packages of Fritos.  She was all giggly, and kept turning around to the rest of us in line, thinking we were getting her humor.  Apparently she had had a party and these were the leftovers.  The "customer service representative" had to call for help.  He wasn't sure if Walmart could take back "consumables".  Turns out, they can.

When I finally got to the counter, I gave the gentleman my hoodie.  I tried to explain that the store had been negligent in putting the proper garment on the proper hanger. I wanted him to be aware of this, and maybe explain to management how they could improve their customer's experience.  He took it, said ok, grabbed my receipt, gave me my money!

When I left, the birds were beginning to arrive.  A definite sign I had been there too long.  I got in my car quickly, happy that I had survived returns at Walmart.

Traffic was horrible getting out of the parking lot, and then onto the street where I needed to be.  I waited in line, once again.

Here is the truck I was behind.......

Notice the trailer hitch on the truck.......

Yep.  Scrotum, two balls.  Silver.  Shiny.  Swinging away on the back of the truck.

Here's a bad close-up from my phone.....

I wanted, so badly, to follow the guy home to see what he looked like.  What the man looks like who would put this (these) on the back of his vehicle.  HUSBAND said that they are pretty common, come in colors, and that most of the men driving the trucks are usually short and ugly.  I still didn't get it.

It did, however, give me a lot to think about on my way home.  I decided that the woman who returned the Fritos was probably in the passenger seat.

I am never bored.

DECKING THE HALLS...

I've avoided decking them.  I've put it off, and off, and off.  But I decided to get serious a few nights ago, deciding on the minimalist approach.  Less is more.  Whatever.

I tried to get everyone in the spirit.  I lit some candles.  I put the dirty dishes in the sink (the dishwasher was full), I put on some laundry.

Here is the one and only new holiday decoration I purchased this year...

His name is Max the Moose, and I adopted him, for 20 bucks, from Randall's, while I was shopping for Thanksgiving groceries.  He's pretty cute, don't you think?  The fam agreed.

Luci did her best to intimidate Max (Luci is a crack-baby, remember)...

Max never moved, so Luci gave up pretty quickly, and went on to other interesting things I was pulling out.

Then she realized that there were shopping bags all over the floor.  The Pier One bag was her favorite.  She thought she was hiding.  I was hoping if I ignored her she would STAY IN THERE for a while!

Eventually, Luci exhausted herself...

Meanwhile, Pancho was helping in his usual way.  He always does what is asked of him.  He wasn't really concerned with Max the Moose, either.  He was used to my adoptions over the years... hence, Luci!

Anyway, I persevered, and achieved the minimalist holiday affect I was going for.  It's minimally festive.  Perfect.

HUSBAND got into the spirit too, asking what he could do to help (NOT!).  But I asked him if he would help me untangle some lights, and he said, "@%#&%$, sure!"  He's always loved the holiday season.

He was actually very helpful.  And he enjoyed watching my pathetic efforts, and the show I was apparently putting on.

My family loves having their pictures taken, don't they?  He DID, however, agree and approve of these pictures - just want to say that.  I told him he could show off his Longhorn Snuggie - a gift from DAUGHTER last holiday season.

So, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, friends!!!  Enjoy.

WALMART EXPERIENCE #2

I had so much fun at Walmart last Friday (previous post) that I went back on Tuesday.

This is what we happy, jolly Tuesday shoppers at Walmart had to face at dusk...

See those little specs on the top edge of the building?

Those were Grackles.  Black birds to some of you.  In Austin they are Grackles, and they are obnoxious, annoying, invasive, really nasty, aggressive birds.  And when they like a place, they REALLY like it.  They like Walmart a lot more than I do, apparently.

There were 700 billion of them in the Walmart parking lot.

So, all the happy, jolly shoppers who couldn't get into their cars because their cars were covered with Grackles, were pulling out their cell phones, muttering the word "Hitchcock", and taking pictures. Me included.

Getting home to start wrapping all those gifts in our baskets suddenly wasn't important.  We all had to get pictures of the birds.

And I'm sure we all drove home trying to see through the bird shit on our windshields, thinking, "Wow, that was really something.  Maybe we'll go back to Walmart tomorrow."
I'm not sure how Walmart pulled this off, but they have some good PR people.

Happy shopping!

MY WALMART EXPERIENCE

We all have Walmart stories, don't we?

I made the mistake of going to Walmart today when I really wasn't feeling very well, but I certainly didn't want to go on the weekend.  There are just occasions when a Walmart run is necessary.  Today was that day for me.

My usual experience is, that while I KNOW there are intelligent people who shop at Walmart, I just don't usually encounter any of them.

My two memorable Walmart experiences today were...

First,
I saw an adorable young man contemplating wine glasses.  He was, maybe, 25 years old, and I could see that it was important to him to buy the perfect set of wine glasses.  I made up my own, quick, little romance novel in my head.  I enjoyed watching him.  He was there for a while.  And, although I know there are stalkers at Walmart, I was not one of them.

Second,
here we go......  THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!
I was in the Pharmacy area trying to find earplugs.  (I wear them from time to time because Pancho and Luci are very noisy at night.)  So I hear these two "guys" talking about their menopausal wives, so my ears perked up.

At that point I had been in Walmart for 1.25 hours.  1.0 hours too long.

"Lucky to be married" guy #1 was saying that his wife was going through menopause and she was cranky and always hot - he could never put the thermostat on the right temperature for her, and she was always kicking the covers off the bed at night.

"Lucky to be married" guy #2 asked how old she was.  "Lucky-to-be-married" guy #1 said 42.

"Lucky to be married" guy #2 said, well you ain't seen nothin' yet just wait 'til she's 45 then she really starts sweatin' and a whole lotta other shit.

"Lucky to be married" guy #1 said, oh really shit.  "Lucky to be married" guy #2 said, oh yeah 45 is when the real sweatin' begins.

I walked a few steps around the end of the aisle to get a look at these charming fellas.  Guess what they were buying???????  Guess!!!!

CONDOMS.  Yep.  Two guys with menopausal wives buying condoms together at Walmart on a Friday night.

They saw me starring at them and actually said, oh sorry I guess we were being a little loud.  I smiled and told them that they were just lucky I was passed 45.

Then it occurred to me that I thought it was funny that the earplugs were close to the condoms.  I actually laughed out.  And my mind went off on a whole other thing about that.

Happy shopping.

LAUNDRY

I have laundry piles.  A few piles.  Piles of laundry. Many.

And there are only two of us, now, in the household.

This is why I always have piles of laundry...

Pancho and Luci won't let me NEAR the laundry basket.

Can't do laundry without a laundry basket.

So.

SQUIRRELS

(First off, I had to look up how to spell squirrels.  I kept getting it wrong.)

I sat outside for an hour or so this afternoon.  Absorbing some vitamin D.  Enjoying the absolutely beautiful Austin fall weather.

And I wanted to watch our Chickadees.  I've been noticing the influx of Chickadees lately. Hearing their wonderful chirps, and seeing them flitting around our backyard.  I love those funny, little birds.

I took my camera out with me, thinking it would be fun to take some pictures of the cute little Chickadees.

Well, once I sat down, relaxed, got my camera ready... Nothing.  Not a Chickadee.  Not a bird.  Nothing within a hundred miles.

Sooooo, I got caught up watching two squirrels.  Yes, I did.  For close to an hour.  What can I say.

I should give my insights about squirrels to some "squirrel expert" now, because I saw some stuff.  Not unlike humans really.  Let's just say it must be squirrel mating season.  Pretty interesting.

Anyway......  here's one of them, chewing on an acorn.....

And here he/she is sharpening his/her teeth for yet another acorn, or whatever.....

Then, here he/she is, starting to realize that somebody is watching him/her, and taking his/her picture......

And, then, finally, here he/she is giving me the "Cujo"/"Exorcist" eyes.  Telling me to stop taking his/her picture, and to go to hell.

I ran inside before he/she had time to lunge at my face.

Like EVERY other member of my family, he/she didn't want his/her picture taken.  He/she just couldn't put his/her hands up in front of his/her face.

Pretty exciting afternoon.